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It's a Good Thing I Don't Like Solid Food

The power of suggestion is not to be underestimated.

On my last visit, I opened my mouth wide for the dentist to peer in, and the dental assistant shuddered at what she saw. She actually got the "ickies" and visibly shuddered from looking at my teeth � well, one tooth in particular. For some reason, a molar decided that life just wasn�t worth living and gave in to death and decay. If only I had been more attentive, I might have been able to talk him out of it, but that's hard considering I see the dentist about as often as I go to the gym. �You know,� the dentist explained, �twenty years between dental visits isn�t the best idea.� I wish he�d told me that 20 years ago.

Well, after the assistant stopped shaking with fear and disgust, the dentist was drilling around in there and, �Ooops!� my molar was so decayed that it basically disintegrated.

�Don�t worry,� he said, �root canals are not as painful as people think.�

See, it�s a simple procedure, much like drilling and filling a cavity, except they drill drown the root of the tooth, dry it out and fill it with porcelain. Yeah, that doesn�t seem all that bad after all. �Let�s go for it!� I exclaimed, newly excited and intrigued by the wonders of modern medicine.

I went in last night for the root canal. As it turns out, it�s not quite the experience I was led to believe. In fact, I was told to expect this

and I went in confident and ready for a walk in the park.

They hit me with the drugs, but they slightly misfired, so instead of numbing my teeth and gums, it numbed my neck and tongue. Still confident, but slightly shaken, I started to feel a little bit more like this

When he started drilling, I �suggested� (by wildly flailing my arms and crying profusely) that he might want to add just a titch more anaesthetic to the area.

When I finally was numb, it was pretty smooth sailing, relatively speaking. I mean, it wasn�t exactly my idea of a good time, what with the drilling and the smoke and the suction and the �Could you please open your mouth a little WIDER� comments every 3 seconds. Not to mention comments such as, �I haven�t used these instruments before, they�re a little different than what I�m used to,� the dentist explained to his assistant. Her response was reassuring though, �Yeah, it�s been a while since I did one of these procedures, but I think I can remember how it goes.� Hello people, maybe I can�t feel my face, but I can still hear everything you�re saying. It�s not like you�re talking in code or using a dialect I�m unfamiliar with. �We�re incompetent at our jobs,� isn�t all that hard to decipher.

After an hour and a half, I left feeling exhausted and numb. When the drugs started to wear off a few hours later, a little quick thinking led me to the kitchen cabinet where I keep the vodka. The words, �oh, by the way, it might be a bit sore for the next few days� were ringing in my ears as the numbness wore off and the pain began to take it�s full effect.

I went to sleep �a little sore� and more than a little drunk. I woke up feeling like this

True, it�s still Linda Blair, but it has a slightly different feeling than the cute freckle faced Linda Blair the dentist had promised.

I stumbled out of bed and walked to my computer, grabbing a big bottle of Advil on the way. I needed to call in sick so I penned the following email to my boss.

Dear [Boss],

Root canals are fun.

Love, [GayFraud]

Hopefully she picked up on the sarcasm got the point that I wasn�t coming in.

At least I had time to do some redecorating in here. Now you can leave me a comment directly on my entry page. How cool is that? I went back and converted most of the comments on my notes page that referred to specific entries and added them as comments to the entry. If one of them is your note, and you don�t want your name and words to appear on my entry after all that work I did, let me know and I�ll be happy to delete it. If you comment using the �Now it�s your turn�� link below, it will show up on my entry. If you want to leave a more private note, add a note to my notes page as usual, and I won�t move it over here.

Thanks kids, now go brush your teeth.