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2002-12-11 | 9:30 p.m.

Fraud

Iíve been thinking a lot about the word "fraud" lately. I donít like it. I donít like being associated with it, even though I think it describes me pretty accurately. At least, it has for the past several years, despite every effort to change that.

When I went to college, I met a great guy. He was 28, but still very innocent and childlike. He had grown up in Long Island, gone to college in NY, graduate school in Boston, but he had so much still to learn. For 28 years, he moved around the country, met people, got degrees and good jobs, but because of his insecurities in his own appearance, he never allowed himself to approach another human being to tell them he was gay and that he found them attractive. He was confident and capable in everything else in his life, but he was approaching 30 and had never kissed, so strong was his fear of rejection.

When he moved to Texas, he met this scrappy, long-haired 18 year old from Colorado with a big mouth and a deeply protective shell that made him look confident on the outside, but underneath lay an entire nest of insecurities that threatened to unleash their destruction at any given moment. For a long time, he believed the kidís shell was real, and he found himself intimidated, as usual. He refused to admit to his growing infatuation. But when the kidís own secretive insecurities and faults presented themselves over a long talk and several mugs of hot cocoa, he took a chance. He rescued the kid. They rescued each other, with a simple and comforting touch, mere fingertips that were surprisingly not brushed away that expressed everything the two of them wanted and everything they feared.

Our love was intense, not only because of its elements of lost innocence, but because of its shameless sincerity, and the virginal expression of that sincerity. The insecurities and doubts that had shackled us both throughout our lives dissolved in the face of a common relief to have found genuine love; a love that no longer required apologizing for shortcomings.

As we grew together, we found that one of us was at the end of a journey, a long road of searching and waiting patiently for desires to present opportunities. Another was at the very beginning of a journey, a more torrid path of exploration and self-discovery. I didnít want to hurt him, but I broke his heart. I didnít know how to handle leaving someone, especially someone I still loved. I stayed for him. I stayed until I resented him. I stayed, but grew so emotionally distant that he cried because of the loneliness anyway.

We remained friends, and in the year that followed our eventual break-up, the story of what happened came out slowly, through many delicate steps. In the end, we realized that I had lost myself in suppressing what I wanted in order to keep from hurting him. I wanted to do the right thing, but made every wrong move until I didnít even know why I was doing what I did. I ignored my desires, and I spent so long pretending to be everything I wasnít that I forgot who I really was. When I no longer needed to pretend, I didnít recognize who I had become and couldnít find the person I had once been, so I became someone else. I pretended to be confident like I once was. I pretended to be unapologetic for my appearance like I knew I should be. I pretended to be a person that wasnít so ashamed of the pain Iíd caused another. I pretended to be what I wasnít. I became a fraud.

Subsequent experiences sent me further into pretending away the realities of my life, and, as a result, I find myself today unable to feel like I know who I am. I feel like an actor, in stage clothes that fit only well enough to fool the audience. But they donít fool me anymore, and they havenít fooled SP in a long time. Itís time to shed the costume, and find what truly does fit. I owe it to SP, and to myself, and to us.

I donít want this name to fit anymore. I donít want to be a fraud, I want to be me. I want to be PatrickG.Diaryland.com.

Now it's your turn... 8 comments so far:

RockyMtRanger - 2002-12-12 09:09:30

The Fraud is DEAD...long live PatrickG!


leaf - 2002-12-12 18:07:56

Well done! Although i believe paragraph six should have been written in my diary.


Bethany the Goddess - 2002-12-13 00:46:10

I want you to know how much I admire you and I love the way you write. I can relate to alot of what you said, and so can everyone else. I don't think you were a fraud in the first place, just lost. I am glad you found yourself.


Carla - 2002-12-18 14:12:09

As one who will soon be donning the fraudulent mask of 24/7 reliability and office-pleasing meekness and vanilla-bland outfits, who is still breaking out in hives from the toll it takes on a body to keep up the act while you just want to scream JUST FUCKING HIRE ME YOU BITCH YOU HAVE MY QUALIFCATIONS THERE IN FRONT OF YOU WHY THE FUCK DO I ALSO NEED TO PLEASE YOU PERSONALLY -- congrats on your realization. Love you, PatrickG!


Jo - 2002-12-22 23:40:32

you are a great writer and should definetly keep going. i also had a huge problem with accepting myself. all you need to do is sit down and talk to youself for a few hours, figure out what you want to do. it helps. by no means does it get easier, but it helps.


Jo - 2002-12-22 23:41:14

you are a great writer and should definetly keep going. i also had a huge problem with accepting myself. all you need to do is sit down and talk to youself for a few hours, figure out what you want to do. it helps. by no means does it get easier, but it helps.


Mike - 2002-12-27 22:03:26

we're all frauds, ya know... in some way. the only people truly free to be themselves are the mentally handicapped, and theirs are not enviable selves. perhaps as true as one can be is to be ones own fraud... (/end random little person getting philosophical in other ppls diaries)


nicolar - 2003-01-16 15:16:19

I believe this shall be my very first 'favourite entry' thingumy. I could very well say that you're speaking for us all, but you're speaking for your self. Ooo that was a stupid sentence... but anyway, you sound like you analyse your self as much as I do, isn't it annoying?!


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