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I'd Better Clear Off A Space On My Trophy Shelf

If I were not to directly tell you, I bet you couldn�t even tell that I�m gay. No really, I�m not just in denial. People, for the most part, are surprised to find out.... Of course, I�m not perfect. I�m just goofy and hyper enough at times (dancing with shopping carts in the grocery store when �Brown Eyed Girl� comes on over the intercom speakers, for instance) that people know that I�m not quite right, they just don�t necessarily know right off that I�m a fag. I don�t have a lisp. I have virtually no respect for Madonna or Cher. I don�t sleep around. I don�t change the color of my hair (much), or tweeze my eyebrows in order to shape them, although I have to occasionally run the nose hair grooming thingy between my eyebrows so I�m not regularly mistaken for a Greek immigrant.

But I�ve come to recognize an exception. I turn into Mr. Drama when I�m not feeling well. Suddenly, the world must place a caring hand on my shoulder and give me a, �Are you sure you�re o.k., honey?� I want to be pampered and pitied, and I do everything but outright demand it. I sulk and speak softly, as if I�m about to burst into tragedy-induced tears at any given second.

Each time someone at work asked how my exam went this week, I would sigh loudly and sheepishly say in a near whisper, �Oh. I don�t know. I guess it could have gone better.� B.O.O.H.O.O.

Although I pride myself on not acting like a silly fag and breeding the misconception that all gay men are limp-wristed sissies, at times like this I have to admit to myself that I am just a big homo. If I were straight and outwardly craved sympathy like this, I suppose the adjective would be pussy.

I do the same thing when I�m sick. If I have the sniffles, I�ll milk it with everything I�ve got. �I don�t know if I want to eat, I�ve got a cold and I can�t taste anything anyway.� If I have the flu, forget it. The way I act after having just thrown up, you�d think I�d just lost an appendage in some freak and painful accident. Luckily, I also demand that no one see me in that state, having grown up with my family. So there�s no one there to witness my drama. Of course, now that I have a digital camera that also records movies, maybe next time I�ll record it and send it off to the Oscar committee for consideration, but I imagine I�ll have far greater luck at America�s Funniest Home Videos.

And now, here�s a video featuring what appears to be an effeminate homosexual kneeling in front of a toilet, let�s watch� �Oh! Woah is me. What hast I ever done to deserve this torture?? Why god, why have you inflicted me with this agony?�

If I don�t win the Oscar, at least I�ll have the $10,000 to fly to L.A. and sit in the audience and watch Tom Hanks win his.