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There's good times to be had, too

I�m feeling really guilty about that last entry.

God only knows why, but I feel so bad knowing that I�m bumming people out when I should be making them laugh. I�ve been sitting on my hands for two days to keep from hitting that Edit/delete entries link, because I wanted more than anything to keep that story for myself. To delete it, or at the very least pepper it with a few �but he wasn�t all bad� and �there were a few good times too� phrases. But, I�ve refrained, mostly because of the feedback I heard from people who read it. Thank you. Thank you for letting me just be myself sometimes.

When I wrote that entry, I had just sat down when I got home from work and started free writing. I didn�t know what to write about, but decided that he�d be as good a subject as any. I was just finishing the seizure paragraph when SP came home. I made a little small talk while I finished up that entry and reread it. I reread it once, then twice, and then a third time. Each time, SP witnessed my mood growing more somber and saw my eyes turn a shade more distant. He worried that he�d maybe done something wrong and my change in mood had something to do with him. I haven�t been allowing myself to think about those times much in the two years since I left Mr. Big News, so while I was able to write that story without upsetting myself too much, the emotions of it all flooded back to me as I reread it. The fourth time I read it, I read it out loud to SP. My voice broke and I cried through much of my rendition. I can�t remember the last time I cried without first having been brought to tears by a sad movie or book. I don�t like to cry over things I can�t control. But reading my story out loud made the experience real all over again, and I couldn�t stop myself this time.

SP held me fiercely as I got it out of my system, and I realized that I�d live through a dozen of those bad experiences just to have him there to comfort me like that at the end of it. We�ve been together almost two years, and my life is better every day that I get to come home to someone so caring and smart and thoughtful and beautiful. He just got home, and he�s sitting next to me right now, and when I end this entry, I get to walk over and kiss him gently and wrap my arms around him. And so begins the best time of my life.