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And on this farm there was a fraud, e-i-e-i-o.

GayFraud. Isn't that a stupid name? What the hell was I thinking?

I found this website by accident, and I found a diary that I loved and spent a week reading all 200 entries. But at the end of it, I thought, "Hell, I can do that." But first, I need a name. I need a name. THE PRESSURE OF A NAME. I'm gay, let's include that. Yeah, that's good. I'm smart... no. I'm witty... no. I'm sexy... no. I'm stylish... no. I'm none of these things, I'm just a fraud. Aha! GayFraud. Sometimes I'm overcome by what I think are my own moments of brilliance, but then I look back later and realize that I'm a terrible judge of my own character.

My boyfriend the ex-psychology major almost had a heartattack when I told him I was starting a journal under the pen name GayFraud, and I spent the next 3 hours trying to explain myself. It's not that I lie constantly or go out of my way to deceive people, but we all keep a level of deception in our personalities, don't we? It's the only way to survive sometimes. An example may be in order. When trying to woo my current boyfriend I said, "I don't really have any big hang-ups from bad past relationships." Fraud. When asked by an intellectually challenged coworker if I thought he was smart enough to make it in his current job, I said "Of course. You're very ... capable." Fraud. When filling out questionnaires at the doctor's office, I check "I hardly ever drink alcohol." Fraud.

However, I really find that I spend much more time trying to deceive myself than anyone around me. I think accepting the whole truth at once is just too scary, so I try to ignore it all as best as possible and deal with the tiny little chunks of reality that fall through the armor when need be. It's the only way I can convince myself to leave the house on most days.

So, now that we've covered the name, what else is appropriate for a first entry? Description of yours truly? Let's see, I'm 25 and gay. I live in Northern NJ and work as an actuary. Not in insurance, thank you, but in consulting. I grew up in Colorado, went to school in hell - Texas rather, but I escaped the leaping flames of death and transferred to Philadelphia to finish up school. After graduation, I ended up here. Now, I'm living life as a true suburbanite with my boyfriend and our two cats, Talula and Myra. Tori Amos fans will understand. I guess the details will have to come later.

For now, I'm off to do the dishes and the laundry. Ah, this is the life.