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Someone hugged me today

Someone hugged me today.

This is distressing in and of itself. Since infancy, I hugged my parents once when my little kitten was run over when I was 7 and once when I left home for college. �We just aren't a hugging people,� to quote the great David Sedaris. "In terms of emotional comfort, it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well-made cocktail."* Ahh, sweet plagiarism � it�s so much easier than blindly grasping for moments of wit and eloquence all by yourself.

So this all came about because my employers have promised me that I would be supported in my attempt at becoming certified as an actuary, by doing things like paying for books and giving me paid time off to read said books. They usually hold up to their promises right up until the books arrive and it�s time for me to stop working and open them. There it tends to get a little tricky, and since I�m a pushover, I have always closed the books and gone back to work whenever they were looking for someone to get them out of a tight spot and work a few extra hours. As a result, I have failed three consecutive times at taking the exam I�m currently on, so I�ve become quite forceful and put my foot down, albeit delicately.

I trained this new gentleman a few weeks ago, and he�s been coming along fine. He is learning the work quite well, due to my diligence and exhaustive attempts to train him, but he�s yet to learn one thing. That being that I�m a gigantic crybaby when I don�t get my way, and I WILL TELL ON YOU.

This morning, not only did this new gentleman (that I trained but a few weeks ago) tell me that I couldn�t study because he wanted me to do his work for him, but he attempted to make me feel guilty for wanting to study in the first place. Well, I put my foot down � and I skipped my studying and did his work for him exactly like he told me to.

And then I told on him.

Apparently, the person I told took it a little too seriously because, when she was done yelling at him, he sauntered over to my cubicle, his head hanging low and his hands dragging behind him. He looked as if he were about to burst into tears at any moment, and all I could think was, �oh god, please don�t cry because I told on you, please don�t cry in front of me.� He choked back the tears and managed to apologize profusely for 15 straight minutes. I lost count of the number of times I said, �Oh, it�s ok. No, really, it�s fine. No, no, no� I swear, it�s really no big deal.� When I could see that even after 15 minutes there was no apparent end in sight to his oratory (my big word for the day, even if I did misuse it), I stood up to pretend to go get a cup of coffee. And then it happened.

He wrapped his arms around me and heartily shook me like Santa bouncing a toddler in his arms. I must have briefly lost consciousness, because I have no idea what happened then, but when I came to I was staring blankly at the coffee pot and trying to put the pieces back together of what had just happened.

I left early to come home and study (of course I�m writing in my journal first just to get my fingers warm). I�ve been out of the office for an hour, so I�m sure by now someone has pulled him aside and let him in on my little secret. �You DO know that guy you were lovingly embracing is gay, don�t you?� I can see his face fall now as he pauses to question his own sexuality, ever so briefly, and once again struggles to choke back his tears.

I�ve lived my whole life thinking that I was crazy for being gay, like my feelings and inclinations were so unnatural that my orientation had to be the result of being dropped on my head as a baby or psychologically scorned by my mother in the womb. But on days like today, I�m almost glad that I�m gay. Sometimes, scaring obnoxious straight people to the core of their being makes it all worth it.

*Sedaris, David. Naked. Little, Brown & Company, 1997. Page 242.